Holiday Husband
Holiday Husband
A divorce story
Our country life began with my husband’s dream of owning a house on property but on Mother’s Day my dream of a happy home ended. Before I explain the holiday, let me begin with my spouse’s dream.
My husband wanted to live on five acres in a very small community in California. I, on the other hand, have no need for property. I like to walk to a coffee shop where I can meet friends and colleagues. Despite our differences, we were young and it seemed like a good idea to let my husband have his unrealistic dream and get it out of his system. Our marriage seemed to be more stable, and I would follow him in his dream. We had no idea what we were doing, so how could it last more than a couple of years? I had no idea where being a follower could lead.
We had always lived in a neighborhood where our domestic chores included him mowing and doing yard work while I was cooking and caring for the children. Growing up my parents had a rock garden, and my husband’s family had a grapefruit tree. We were not exactly adept at living in the country on property. I wanted to be the good wife and support my husband, so, after much searching, I found a realtor who didn’t laugh when I told her we were looking for a house on five acres for $100,000. My husband was elated. I ignored the anxious hollow feeling like a pit in my stomach as I looked out on the acres of dry weeds. My dream was to have green grass surrounded by a white fence. I didn’t listen to my intuition.
We had been married 20 years when we moved to the small community of 450 residents. After a few short years we collected a menagerie of pets and animals. One of the first purchases was a tractor with an attachment for mowing the field. My husband found out that type of tractor can be dangerous for the novice. Without the proper weights, it could easily dump him over and cause injuries. He sold the tractor and we bought goats to eat down the grass in the back two acres. I must admit I felt like we were in the show, Green Acres, when I saw my husband in his suit riding the tractor. Mucking out the stall in my rubber boots, I wasn’t quite the glamorous Eva Gabor.
Living on five acres was an invitation for a drop off for many gifts. My cousin dropped off geese on our doorstep that later enjoyed a chase nipping at us, and my brother’s girlfriend gave us a 22-year-old Pony of America (POA), a large pony that needed a home. That was the beginning of our menagerie of rabbits, goats, chickens, roosters, geese, pony, and a few pets.
Our property was only partially fenced, so my husband with the help of our daughter began building fences. He planted 300 Eucalyptus trees for a wind break after a high wind blowing through our low land sucked in our steel garage door. He mowed perfect rows on the two acres around our house after he got a small safer riding mower. We had fruit trees and a large garden. I was quite the supportive wife working part time, canning fruit, baking bread, feeding and grooming the pony, and taking care of the goats and other animals.
On Mother’s Day, finally getting back to the holiday, my husband suggested we take the girls to a friend’s house and go out to lunch. We hardly went on dates or ate out since the nearest town was a few miles away, if you didn’t count the Herald Store and post office that constituted our downtown Herald.
Sometime during lunch, I can’t remember exactly when, he said he wanted to marry someone else. A divorce? I didn’t see that coming. I’m not sure what I said at that point, but I acted quickly and called an attorney, who told him he needed to move out. My anger over this betrayal fed my fortitude and my oldest daughter and I got the house and five acres ready to sell.
It turned out the woman he wanted to marry went back to her husband. He wanted to come back to his family. Even though my first thought was that I would go to hell before I would let him back into my life, I wanted to keep the family together. More importantly, after talking to an attorney, staying together seemed like the best solution for my daughters. We raised our daughters and lived in our broken marriage for twenty-eight years finding time for prayers and joy. Living in gratitude is healthy but I sometimes let it overshadow my reality.
Our interests came together when we got a kayak. He loved nature and photographing birds, and I loved running my hands through the water and feeling the cool breeze touch my cheek. We bought a house with a swimming pool and enjoyed time with the grandkids. I made cookies with the grandkids for holidays and science experiments using kitchen ingredients or electricity. After getting a Master of Science Degree in Counseling and Life Coach Certification, I worked as a Life Coach.
One day I was shopping on the Amazon website and noticed a charge for a necklace, that doesn’t look like my taste, I thought, I guess I will find out on Christmas day when we open gifts. I came to my senses and suggested we open our Christmas gifts the next day on Christmas Eve. He said he didn’t have a gift for me. My breathing got heavy and my chest tightened. I knew something was very wrong.
My husband had been behaving a little differently, but we were in our 70s and settled in our dream home, what could go wrong? He said he was emailing an old friend, and they were working on a Bible study. Nothing to worry about he said. When I realized he might be getting a little too interested in his Bible study buddy, instead of getting angry and taking immediate action, I went straight into my counseling/coaching mode of trying to help him get professional help.
Between Christmas lunch that he went to and I didn’t, and breakfast at my daughter’s, I questioned my husband until he told me on Christmas day that he had rented a house and was moving out with his girlfriend the next weekend. He thought he would leave while I was on a trip with my daughter and in-laws. Since he didn’t want to go with us, he must have thought that was a good time to make his exit. I didn’t see that coming.
He was angry when I called an attorney and served him divorce papers, since he told our daughters he was moving out and might sell the house and might get a divorce. He thought he was in total control of the situation. That, along with his behavior after, did it for the girls. I was sad to hear my daughter say, “I thought I liked my Dad.”
Since their Dad had difficulty engaging with our daughters or the grandkids for very long at a time, his leaving didn’t leave a hole in our lives. We’ve worked through much of the sadness for what we thought we had; and moved on. I live in a garden cottage behind my daughter and her family. I watch Dr. Who with my 16-year-old grandson and try a craft or make a simple recipe with my granddaughter. I write and continue building my coaching business as I find healing through the many skills and strategies I learned. My mini poodle, Ella, keeps me busy, playing, laughing, meeting new friends, and hanging out with the family.
I noticed my puppy likes to follow me around but only engage when she wants to. It made me think she is like my former husband. No, his behavior was like my dog.
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With Love and Happiness,
Nancy
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